Unfortunately, that’s not the case. A therapist is more like a personal trainer. Together, you’ll collaborate to develop your goals and a plan of action. It's your therapist’s job to educate, encourage, keep you focused and point out hindrances to your progress. But just like personal trainers, therapists can’t do the work for you. The sweat and strain are mostly yours.

Therapists spend years in school and read many books to learn what to do in a therapy session. Clients have to settle for on-the-job training. So what exactly is the client’s job? Generally, it's coming to the session ready to talk about important life issues - easier said than done.

I’ve found clients feel most satisfied with therapy when they have tools to help them stay actively involved in their sessions. Below are eight tips to help clients take ownership of therapy. Remember, it’s your time, money, and emotional effort – you deserve to make the most of it.

BEFORE THE SESSION

1. Journaling

Clients often say they have a firm grasp of their issues and plans when they’re in the session, but the clarity fades after a day or two. It’s also common to hear someone say “ooh, I had something important I wanted to talk about today, but now I can’t remember.” Enter, the journal.

A journal provides a place for you to reflect on thoughts, feelings, and ideas, insights, dreams and problems. You don’t need to write much, just a few sentences will work. Write when you feel like it and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to write every event of every day. It’s a journal entry, not an autobiography. Bringing the journal to therapy helps some clients focus and retain what they learn in the session. But write it for yourself, not the therapist. An additional benefit comes after several months of journaling when you can look back and see the progress you’ve made.

2. Take the Whole Hour

A baker’s dozen is thirteen donuts, and for some reason the therapy hour is 45 or 50 minutes. What a ripoff. This spare time allows the therapist to review notes, return phone calls and tend to personal business between sessions. You can use this time for your benefit, too. Take the whole hour by planning to show up for each session 10-15 minutes early. Resist the urge to make calls, mess with your phone or get lost in the magazines. Yes, I’m suggesting you don’t read the magazines we provide for you. Instead, use that quiet time to reflect on your week, examine your thoughts and feelings and determine what you’d like to work on in today's session.

3. Phone a Friend

When clients feel stuck or bored in therapy, it may be due to a problem between therapist and client. Therapy is an emotional, powerful relationship, as vulnerable to misunderstandings and conflicts as any other. If you’ve hit a roadblock, imagine how you would describe your therapy to a very close friend. What is working and what isn’t? How do you feel about the therapist? Are you hopeful, discouraged, confused? What else would you tell your friend? Just use your imagination; you don’t actually need to tell a friend about your therapy. In fact, it’s often best if the roadblocks you experience in therapy stay in the room rather than being diffused by your friends.

Now the hard part: tell your therapist. This can be some of the most important work you do in therapy. Working through problems in the safe environment of the therapy office can help you better understand and resolve conflicts in other relationships. If you’re not sure how to start, try this: “I have something important for us to talk about, and it's hard to get started.”

DURING THE SESSION

4. What Do I Want? How Do I Feel?

A mentor once suggested that these two questions are at the root of every productive counseling session. They can serve as a “home base” for you during sessions. If you reach a moment where you feel stuck, and don’t know what to say, you can always come back to these questions. You can even say them aloud – it will help the therapist know what you’re thinking about.

5. What Am I Not Talking About?

You may be doing a great job of recounting the week, or exploring a memory from the past, but is there something else you need to be discussing? Think of yourself driving home, reviewing the session. Is there anything you will wish you brought up? A secret you’re afraid to admit, a feeling you have about the therapist or anything else? It may be a challenge to vocalize, but you’ll be glad you did.

6. Say the “Odd” Thought

Sometimes, this is the best material to discuss. Let’s say you’re talking about your day at work and suddenly an image of your family flashes before you. In the world outside the therapy office, it might not be appropriate to bring this up. In therapy, however, this is fair game. In fact, these odd thoughts might provide insight into your life. Your therapist may be able to tie together the story with the odd thought in a very meaningful way. This opportunity to speak freely can be one of the best gifts you experience in therapy.

7. The Deeper Question

Ever hear the proverb: “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day – teach him to fish, feed him for life”? It certainly applies to therapy. Think about this situation: a young woman comes in for her session, talks about how lousy her boyfriend is, and asks the therapist “should I break up with him?”

This question is fair and valid – she may get helpful feedback from the therapist for this specific situation. This may feed her for the day. The next time the situation arises, however, she’ll need to rely on the therapist to answer the question again. To be fed for life, consider asking the deeper question: “Why am I wanting you to tell me if I should break up with him?” You can see how this question addresses a much deeper set of issues. If you explore this question, you are beginning to be fed for life.

This “deeper question” technique takes a bit of practice – it’s an entirely different way of thinking. It takes “what do I want?” and “how do I feel?” to the deeper level of “why do I want it?” and “why do I feel this way?” You’ll find this a helpful way to understand your motivations and control your behaviors.

AFTER THE SESSION

8. Let it Sink In

Like showing up a few minutes before the session to reflect on the week, it can be of great value to spend time after the session thinking about what you discussed. Think about what you learned, how you felt, what you might want to cover next time and any other insights you had. Of course, journaling is valuable at this point.

There are 168 hours in a week. Therapy is only one of them. In order for that one hour to make an impact on the other 167, it’s going to need your help. Your growth is worth it.


Do you have other helpful tips for clients? If so, please let me know.